


sad boy, who did this to you?

by thisapathy



Series: darling, let me be broken with you [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: (duh), Abortion, Alternate Universe, Angst, Dark, Dysfunctional Relationships, Father/Son Incest, High School, M/M, Medical Inaccuracies, Mildly Dubious Consent, Mpreg, Underage Sex, this is fucked up tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-22 22:53:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4853660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisapathy/pseuds/thisapathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The divorce is hard on both of them. Carl's not even 16 when they start sleeping together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sad boy, who did this to you?

**Author's Note:**

> i had to write something dark to get the bad vibes out~  
> unbeta'd, title borrowed from [this beautiful song](https://soundcloud.com/laila_music/sad-boy)

The divorce is hard on both of them.

Carl's not even 16 when they start sleeping together.

They both know it's wrong but they look the other way for whatever reason. Rick's drunk the first time they fool around, but he knows what he's doing—because Carl initiates it and Rick doesn't say no, doesn't push him away, just lets Carl climb on his lap and kiss him with inexperienced lips. (That's okay, though, because Carl learns with time.)

And then they're fucking two or three times a week and it doesn't stop. They're careful; Carl's on birth control. They're so, so careful—until they're not careful enough and Carl's throwing up on Tuesday before school and he doesn't even have to wonder why; he knows. Deep down he knows.

He's got it figured out before he even takes a test because he Googled. He was on antibiotics to treat a sinus infection. They must've decreased the effectiveness of his birth control, because boom: pregnant.

When Rick comes home, Carl's so close to telling him, but can't bring himself to, and can't bring himself to let Rick touch him when they go to bed. He lies, says he has a headache and isn't in the mood. Rick kisses his hair. Carl curls in on himself and tries to will it all away.

*

Carl gets sick in gym class on Thursday. Thankfully he's close to a trash can when his stomach decides to purge itself. He's woozy when he's finished, and his coach writes him a pass to the nurse.

The nurse gets Carl to admit that he's been sick since Tuesday. She asks him the question that he knows the answer to: Is there a possibility you're pregnant?

"No," Carl lies, half-laughs. He swallows. Hard. Opens his mouth to say something else, but decides against it. He's suddenly too self-aware as she takes his temperature.

The thermometer beeps.

"No fever. You feel okay to go back to class?"

"Yeah," Carl answers, soft and distant as he counts the tiles on the floor.

She gives him a pass back to class.

*

It's Friday and Carl's in history class chewing peppermint gum to ward off morning sickness. (He Googled; it helps.) He can't even concentrate on what he's supposed to be reading. He's scared shitless, knows he needs to tell Rick what's going on, and soon. He doesn't want to deal with it at all; he just wants to sleep until it goes away.

*

Saturday morning and Carl hasn't slept more than two hours. The clock on Rick's bedside table reads 6:13 AM and he doesn't know why, but he reaches out and shakes Rick's shoulder.

"Hm?" Rick's on his back, turns his head as his eyes flutter open. Carl licks his chapped lips, it's on the tip of his tongue, two words, but he still can't bring himself to say them. Instead, he presses his mouth to Rick's. It's the last thing he wants to do, but if it prolongs the inevitable, Carl's all for it.

Rick fucks him till he's moaning.

*

Carl is home alone all day, doesn't do his homework because he can't seem to move off the couch for anything. He skips breakfast, lunch, drinks a Coke when his stomach growls.

Somehow it's 6 o'clock and Rick's walking in the door.

"Hey," Rick says, soft and casual.

The truth spills, and Carl is shaking.

*

Rick's reaction is actually worse than Carl imagined it'd be; at first Rick says Carl is joking, but then Carl starts crying, and Rick goes to change into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. He comes back, face hardened.

"Get in the car."

*

Rick's knuckles on the steering wheel are white. They're driving five towns over to a Walgreens where no one knows them. Carl's too scared to talk. It's no surprise that Rick makes him go in to buy the test alone.

Carl makes his purchase and he's still shaking when he gets back in the car.

*

Two lines appear and Carl is expecting them, but his heart still sinks. He carries the test out of the bathroom to show Rick. Carl's so close to tears, close to breaking down right now, but he steels himself. He watches Rick scrub his face like this is all just a bad dream.

"You can't keep it," he says.

And it's not "we," it's "you," and Carl's heart breaks.

*

It's Sunday morning, and he's throwing up again. Carl's on his knees on the bathroom floor and it's the smell of Rick's fucking coffee that triggers it this time. Somewhere, he hears footsteps.

"I made an appointment for tomorrow," Rick says, gruff, and a mug of black coffee in his hand as he stands in the doorway.

Carl heaves again; the smell is just so awful.

Rick's halfway down the hall when he hollers, "You're staying home from school."

*

He's in a clinic Monday morning. Rick stays home from work to take him. They confirm he's pregnant, 11 weeks according to the ultrasound, and give him his options. The thing is, he doesn't _have_ any options. It doesn't matter what he wants; Rick has the final say.

They schedule the procedure for Thursday.

They get home and Rick sits alone at the kitchen table for a long time.

*

Carl goes to school Tuesday and Wednesday. He focuses on anything and everything but the appointment tomorrow.

At home, the tension is killing them both. Rick's probably too stubborn to admit it, and Carl can't even look at Rick right now. It's stupid because he knows he can't have a baby, but it's the principle of Rick not asking him what he wants that hurts the most.

*

On Thursday morning it's raining out.

Carl wishes he wouldn't wake up, but he does, and he gets dressed. He doesn't eat breakfast; the smell of Rick's coffee makes him sick.

At a quarter till 7, they head downtown.

*

The appointment lasts 5 hours. They do paperwork, blood work, an ultrasound, and the nurses ask Carl three times if this is what he wants.

"Yes," he says, only he's lying because he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't know if he'd choose this if his situation were any different.

*

It doesn't last long, maybe 20 minutes. Carl does everything the doctor says. He wants to cry but he doesn't, wants to tell the doctor to stop but he doesn't.

They let Rick back to see him, and Rick looks like a mess.

They give Carl antibiotics and send him home.

They don't tell Lori.

*

He can't hold back anymore. As soon as they pull out of the parking lot, the tears begin to fall. He's sobbing because he can't believe what he's done, can't believe he killed their baby, can't believe it's gone—just like that.

Rick tries to talk to him, but Carl won't listen, won't engage him. It's Rick's fault he's like this in the first place.

Rick puts a hand on his knee, and Carl shoves it away.

"I'm sorry," Rick says, voice quaking.

But Carl doesn't believe him; he's sure that Rick is relieved and in some small way, he's relieved, too. It's not that he's upset about the baby (he is), but more that Rick gave him no choice, didn't even ask Carl what he wanted. He says nothing.

When Rick reaches for his hand, Carl pulls it away.

Rick has the audacity to scoff. "That's how you're gonna be?"

"I _hate you_ ," Carl seethes.

*

"Carl!"

But Carl is too quick; he locks himself in his bedroom before Rick can make it through the front door. He collapses against the wall, sinks to the floor, guilty, empty, _relieved_. He pulls his knees to his chest and sniffles.

"Talk to me," Rick pleads, forehead pressed to the bedroom door.

Carl bites his lip, hugs his knees harder. He can't stop crying.

He goes to sleep in his own bed, alone, for the first time in months.

*

On Friday, Carl wakes up cramping. He's not too worried about it; the aftercare instructions say it's normal. He goes into the kitchen to find that the smell of Rick's coffee isn't as offensive as it was two days ago.

Rick's sitting at the kitchen table and Carl's pretty sure he's been crying.

"How do you feel?"

Aside from the fact that he's sure he's emotionally scarred: "Okay, I guess."

Rick nods. "Good."

"Um," Carl starts, because he's not sure how Rick's going to take this, "I think I'm gonna go stay with Mom and Shane for a while."

He hesitates, looks like he wants to say 'no,' but instead: "Is she okay with that?"

Carl shifts on his feet. This is the most they've talked since before it happened. "She's been asking me anyway, so... I'll call her after school."

"Alright," Rick says, soft and subdued.

*

Lori says yes, of course.

She fixes up the spare bedroom for him. It's got nice clean bedding and fresh blue walls. She makes him dinner and Shane is nice to him. It's almost like they know something's up, or maybe that's just how parents are supposed to act. Either way, it's easier for Carl to heal.

He never does tell Lori what happened.

*

The next week, it ends fast—all of it. The stories on the news come first. Carl sees footage on TV about riots and police brutality and a virus that comes seemingly from nowhere.

Rick's tried to call him twice, and the third time Carl's phone rings he decides to pick up for whatever reason—maybe because he's scared, maybe because he's hurting, maybe because he's hoping for an apology. They still haven't talked since the abortion.

"Pack a bag," Rick says, hurried. "We're leaving town. Tell your mom, tell Shane. We gotta go."

Carl doesn't question it, catches the desperation in Rick's tone. As he stands up from the sofa, the power goes out. There are screams from down the street.

He's never packed a bag so fast.

*

Rick pulls up in his Chevy and Carl's still angry, still upset about everything, but he runs to Rick and hugs him tight. He's scared. He's terrified. 

"Let's go," Rick says, fingers running through his hair.

Carl sighs against his shoulder.

They climb into the truck while Lori and Shane follow behind them.

*

They're part of a bigger group now. Even if they wanted to be together, they couldn't be. Not with Lori watching, not with Shane. They learn how to navigate the roads. They learn how to survive. They're doing okay.

But then Lori gets pregnant.

*

The group thins out as months go by. Shane's arrogance costs him his life. Rick promises to take care of Lori and the baby. Carl's resentful and jealous and every word out of his mouth is spat with callous disregard. He's mad at Lori mostly because she actually gets to have her baby, but also because she slows them down

Carl doesn't understand why Rick would take care of someone else's baby, but not his own.

*

They find the prison.

They have more room to spread out. Carl gets his own cell down by Daryl's. He doesn't bother to unpack his bag. If this place is anything like the last, they won't be staying long.

*

Carl's at his post, one of the guard towers. He sees Rick coming from hundreds of yards away and he can't escape. He closes his eyes, waits for the inevitable.

At the top of the stairs, Rick opens the door.

They haven't been alone like this since before it started, since—

"How's it goin'?"

Carl shrugs. He's not sure if Rick means how his watch shift is going, or how he's coping emotionally.

"You doin' okay?"  
  
Rick reaches out and Carl leans away. He doesn't know why; he doesn't mean to. It just feels so different.

Rick sighs. " _I'm sorry_ , Carl. I am _sorry_ about the baby."

And it dawns on him that this is the first time Rick's ever referred to it as _the baby_. Carl just shakes his head.

Rick runs a hand through his hair. "How long's this gonna go on for? What'd you expect me to do? You were 15!"

"It's not that!" Carl shouts. For once, he doesn't have to worry about being loud; no one can hear them up here. "I'm glad I didn't have it, okay? It's the fact that you didn't fucking _ask me_ what I wanted!" He's been so strong for so long that he loses it now; his eyes fill with tears and he sniffles. He does everything in his power to try to push Rick away, even shoves him toward the door, but he ends up with Rick's arms around his shoulders instead.

And finally, _finally_ Rick is holding him and telling him it'll be okay.

*

Lori doesn't survive childbirth. Carl's with her when it happens; he puts her down. Maggie is the one to cut the baby out. It's a girl.

Maggie hands her to Carl, and finally Carl has his baby. He names her Judith.

They bury Lori in the prison yard.

*

When they lose the prison, Carl loses Judith. He loses himself.

He makes it out with Rick.

*

They're both so broken it's bound to happen.

They fuck for the first time in a year. It's messy and clumsy and doesn't even feel necessarily good, but it feels familiar. Nothing else feels familiar these days.

Carl doesn't worry about getting pregnant, because now pregnancy means death, and death is a kind thing, and Carl is just an empty shell.

*

When they find Alexandria, they find Michonne. They find Daryl. They find Judith.

*

In the second floor bedroom, Judith sleeps in her playpen. Carl's spread on the bed, hair fanned out against the clean blue sheets, Rick between his legs, and it's the most human he's felt in months.

*

Carl never does get pregnant again. Maybe it's punishment, maybe it's a blessing, maybe the first time was a fluke. Maybe it's just fate.


End file.
